8 tips to help you be a more thoughtful gift-giver (Part 1)
Heads up, if you’re hoping I’m about to make your life a whole lot easier with a bunch of ‘life hacks’, that’s sort of where I’m going, but not quite.
What I do have for you is a small collection of gift-related, psychology ‘stuff’ I hope you’ll find as interesting and useful as I did.
You see, right now I’m in process of writing a book about the art of choosing the right gift for people you care about. And as I’ve been researching the subject I’ve turned up a whole host of research gems that reveal some interesting quirks of human nature.
Given the book is a ways away from being finished, in the meantime I thought I’d share some of these gems with you because, even on their own, they will help you make better gifting choices. Choices that will help you enhance your relationship with the people you care about.
And on top of that, Tips #1, #2 and #4 could easily wind up saving you time and money as well — which is kinda nice.
By the way, spoiler alert. I’ve only presented four of the eight promised tips in this ‘Part 1’ of the article.
That’s because each of the insights I’ll walk you through here take a bit of explaining, and rather than have you go all TLDR on me, I’ve chunked the article down into two parts so it’s more digestible.
So, with that, let’s get started …
Tip #1: Beware the ‘averaging effect’
Here’s a question for you: When it comes to major gift-giving events like Christmas or birthdays, how often do you find yourself receiving little extra gifts that are pretty much pointless; things that you neither wanted nor have any particular use for?
I’m going to hazard a guess and say it probably happens a lot more often than you’d like.
I’m also going to go out on a limb and suggest you’ve not only been a ‘victim’ of this phenomenon, but you’ve probably also been a perpetrator yourself from time to time.
I certainly plead guilty to this one. I know only too well the dialogue that goes on in my own head, especially around Christmas time … “That’s not enough things for so and so. I’d better get something extra.”
So, I do. (Or at least I used to!)
When you think about it, it’s a bit weird.
Even when the main gift we’ve bought is a thoughtful one, for some reason we feel compelled to buy additional things.
It’s hard to say why we do it. Perhaps it’s because we want to create feelings of prosperity so we feel better about ourselves? Or maybe we want to create a more favourable impression with the person or people we’re buying for? After all, more is better, right?
Otherwise it might be because we feel a need to ‘balance things out’ — buying extra items so we wind up spending around about the same amount of money on each person on our shopping list?
Whatever the reason, the research says we might not be doing ourselves any favours by adding to the gift pile.
The problem is something called the averaging effect.
As much as we’d like to have the person we’re giving gifts to put all of their focus and appreciation on the ‘main event’ item and treat the other things as incidental, psychologists who’ve studied these interactions have determined it doesn’t work that way.
Rather than be thrilled by the main gift and largely ignore the rest, we tend to average out our feelings across all the gifts we’ve received.
In other words, the delight we feel about the really thoughtful gift is diluted by the relatively ‘thoughtless’ add-on gifts.
The message: Don’t buy extra knick-knack gifts to make up the numbers — especially when you’ve already found the perfect gift. All that does is increase the likelihood of everyone being that little bit less happy than they otherwise would be.
Tip #2: One gift is better than multiples
There is another reason why we’re sometimes inclined to buy multiple gifts for the same person, and that’s to hedge our bets.
This is more likely to happen when we don’t really know what the person we’re buying for might actually want. So, in an effort to spread the risk, we buy several items and hope that at least one does the trick.
The problem is, even if you get it right with one of the gifts, it won’t create the ‘delight’ you hoped for because of the averaging effect I mentioned in Tip #1.
Another downside of giving multiple gifts is you can set unreasonably high expectations.
Presenting someone with multiple gifts can create an expectation that, amongst that bounty, there will be something that’s truly wonderful. And when that expectation isn’t met, the disappointment is even greater.
It’s a bit like being gifted lottery tickets.
Get one ticket and your expectation of winning is probably going to be low. But with half a dozen tickets your expectations will be multiplied — even though the odds of winning are pretty much the same.
Instead of multiplying the enjoyment by giving a number of gifts, you’re probably just going to multiply the disappointment.
This is why one thoughtful gift is better than several, not-so-thoughtful ones. You avoid the averaging effect, and you don’t risk setting unrealistic expectations.
Tip #3: Too much choice can be anxiety-inducing
If you’ve ever considered buying a gift voucher for someone that will require them to choose from a menu of alternatives, especially within a range of products or experiences they’re not familiar with, you might want to rethink that. Especially if the person you’re buying for is prone to anxiety.
Let me give you an example.
Imagine walking into an ice cream parlour that’s fresh out of your go-to favourite flavours. You really, really want ice cream and there’s nowhere else to go, so now you have to choose from a list of flavours you’re not familiar with.
Not only might that make it difficult for you to make a decision in the first place, but what if it ends up with you not really liking what you picked?
All of that pent up anticipation could easily result in disappointment.
Now imagine it’s not your money you’re spending, but someone else’s. Not only that, but they’re right there with you eagerly waiting to hear how much you’re enjoying the ice cream they bought you.
Let’s crank up the pressure even more. What if you had to buy $50 worth of ice cream in that one purchase — and no takebacks?
All of a sudden the decision about what to choose becomes a whole lot riskier. We’re not talking just a few dollars that might be wasted. And on top of that, not only might you be disappointed, but you might also disappoint your ice cream benefactor.
This is what it’s like for people prone to anxiety. The risks associated with making a bad choice can even cause ‘paralysis by analysis’. That is, they become unable to make a decision because there are too many choices.
This is one of those instances where understanding the personality of the person you’re buying for can be very helpful in choosing the right gift.
It’s often quipped; “You can never have too much choice.” This is not true for people who get stressed easily. So, it’s best to avoid gifts that force them to make choices, especially among things unfamiliar to them.
Tip #4: Practicality matters more than you’d think
To put it bluntly, if a gift isn’t very practical for a someone to use, it isn’t a very good gift — no matter how much thought you put into it and how much money you spent on it.
When two gifts have essentially the same features, despite a perceived or real difference in quality, the one that is more practical to use will usually generate more positive feelings towards the giver than the less practical one[1].
In other words, a lower quality gift that is practical will usually be considered more favourably than one that is of higher quality but is difficult to use.
An example given in one of the studies I read exploring this idea compared the difference between a gift voucher for a local, run-of-the-mill restaurant versus a gift voucher for a prestigious one that is relatively difficult or inconvenient to get to.
Whilst the gift to the higher quality restaurant might seem better, the impracticality of actually using the gift voucher detracts a lot from the experience, making the local experience relatively more enjoyable. In turn this can reflect more positively on the giver.
Another example might be the difference in practicality between, say, a simple stick-mixer versus a multi-function food processor.
The food processor might be able to deliver a lot more capability in terms of all the different things it can do, but its size, complexity and the ‘inconvenience’ of using and cleaning it might make it much less useful that a stick mixer that is easy to wash and can be kept in a handy drawer.
In other words, more ‘bells and whistles’ doesn’t necessarily make for a better gift.
Stay tuned …
And there you have the first four tips I promised.
They may not be what you’d call Earth-shattering, but I hope they’ve given you some useful strategies for choosing more thoughtful gifts for the people you care about.
Thoughtful gift giving isn’t about quantity, and it isn’t necessarily about quality either. What it is about is enhancing the life of the person you’re giving the gift to. Achieve that and you’re well on the way to building stronger relationships.
[1] Source: The gift of psychological closeness: How feasible versus desirable reduces psychological distance to the giver. So Yon Rim et al., Personality and Psychology Bulletin, 2018
